I’m a little out of practice (it’s been two weeks since I’ve posted anything) and too tired to write this blog post, but I’m doing it anyway. Hopefully it’s at least readable.

Now, normally WordPress’ Daily Prompt is forgotten about right after I read it, but today’s stuck to the inside of my skull like cooked on, dried egg on a non non-stick pan. I’ve been thinking about it all day. So that’s what I’m writing about.

Today’s Daily Prompt (well, it’ll be yesterday’s by the time I actually post this, but it’s still today’s right now) is Trading Places:

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex for a day? What do you think life would be like?

Well, I’m a man, so what would happen if I woke up and found myself  changed into a woman? Great question. But let’s start from the beginning.

What day is it? Because that’ll make a big difference as to when I wake up and how. Well, the question was asked on a Friday, so let’s say I wake up Friday morning, 4:00 am, with my alarm telling me it’s time to get up and get ready for work. And I’m a woman. The first thing that’s likely to happen is

HOLY SHIT, I’VE GOT BOOBS!

will come to mind. I might even say it out loud. Possibly with other expletives and other silly things out of sheer surprise. The next thing I would do is go into the bathroom (dodging my wife asking me what’s wrong) and look in the mirror.

This is the most important moment of this crazy day. What do I look like? Do I look like me, only as a woman? Because I would make one hell of an ugly woman. When I am my normal (this is all relative, mind you) male self, I have a beard. Will I still have a beard if I’m a woman?

If I still look like myself (beard and all), I would likely stand and stare at myself  for a while out of shock, call in sick to work, crawl back into bed, and resist all attempts to get me out from underneath the covers until tomorrow.

Now my wife is pretty stubborn, she might be able to get me out of bed if she wanted to, but there is no way I’d be stepping outside. The world can thank me later if it ever happens.

But, on the other hand, if when I turned into a woman I actually looked like a woman (and not like me with boobs tacked on), I would likely stand and stare at myself for a while out of shock, then ask my wife to come tell me if I’m dreaming or not.

Alright, so I’m a woman, I look like a woman, and apparently I’m not dreaming. Do I still go to work? That would be interesting. I doubt the picture on my employee ID card or the picture in security’s computer has changed, but I don’t work at Fort Knox. The place is about as secure as a bouncy house castle. Probably less so, actually. I could still get into the building pretty easily if I wanted.

But sitting at my desk, doing my job? My co-workers would be very confused, and I doubt I could convince them that I was me, and not some random crazy lady. I don’t think work would work. Maybe if I still looked close enough like myself (only without the beard) I might be able to convince them I was just dressed up as woman for some weird reason. Where I work it’s not unheard of that men dress up as women, and sometimes actually become women, but if I did it, and it wasn’t Halloween, a lot of people would be surprised, and I doubt I would get much actual work done.

I’d probably still call in. Not worth the hassle, not to mention the jokes and rumors that would likely continue long after the day was over.

Three day weekend? Sounds much better, please and thank you.

Since I’m not at work, I get to spend the day with my wife. She might decide she wants to go out, maybe to a mall or something.

OK. I can handle walking around a mall as a woman. But what to wear? Dare I ask my wife if I can borrow one of her bra’s? How big are my boobs? Would one of hers fit me? If so, I bet she’d get a good laugh watching me try to put the thing on.

Once the bra thing is figured out, I’d be alright. I could still wear my clothes, probably. I don’t think I’d want to borrow a dress or anything. Just stick with something simple, like jeans and shirt.

And sneakers. No heels. No thank you. I’m only a woman for a day, all you permanent women can keep your voluntary torture devices to yourselves thank you very much. I’m sure putting on a bra would be enough for me.

So out we go, two ladies out on the town, shopping, no big deal, right?

Not so fast. Now I have to go to the bathroom (remember to sit down!). Normally I’d head straight for the men’s room, but that would be … interesting … to say the least, possibly disastrous. Cause I’m a woman today, you see. Not a man. Probably not as bad as a man walking into the women’s bathroom, but still, something to avoid.

Now, going to a mall as a man, I spend most of my time following my wife around carrying anything we’ve purchased while she looks at things, maybe pulling something off a rack to take a closer look, and every once in a while trying something on. Me, I look around sure, but the majority of the stores in a mall are clothing stores, and the majority of the clothing is for women. Most of the stores are dedicated solely to women’s clothing, and usually any men’s section that does exist is tucked away in some corner and so surrounded by the women’s clearance section you can hardly find it. And if you do find it, it’s usually not worth finding anyway. At least not to me. So I don’t look too closely at things unless my wife is showing interest in them.

But today I’m a woman. All these clothes are meant to entice me into wearing them. Would I want to? Try them on, I mean. There’s no sense buying them, I’m only going to be a woman for a day.

Probably not. Though I might try on the ugliest stuff I could find, just to try to make my wife laugh. I might not be able to make her laugh, but I’m sure I could get her to roll her eyes. A lot.

I don’t know. We might not go out anyway. We might just stay home, even if I’m not the ugliest bearded lady on the face of the planet. Who knows? We’ll never really know unless it does happen, now will we?

Hopefully, either way, neither my wife or I don’t freak out too much. It would be a bit of a shock to both of us, I’m sure. You can think about things like this all you want, but you never really expect them to actually happen.

But I’m not done yet. My mind can’t help but think up all kinds of crazy scenarios, so here are a few “What If’s”:

– What if I got in trouble with the law, got thrown in jail? Probably partially because my ID is that of a man. If they didn’t stick me in a psychiatric ward for observation, they would most likely put me in jail with other women. Imagine waking up the next morning, turned back into a man, locked up in a women’s prison? Might not survive that one.

– What if I’m a woman for a day, and it happens to be “my time of the month”? Doesn’t sound like much fun. I’d probably be able to empathize with my wife better after that experience though.

– What if I’m out and about with my wife, and some guy starts trying to flirt with me? I’d probably start by ignoring him, but what if he’s insistent?

– What if the change doesn’t change back after a day? What if I’m permanently a woman? Hopefully I’d be able to convince people I had some operations, change my name, and still be a legal American citizen with a job and a valid form of ID and everything, otherwise life would get very challenging very fast. Not that it still wouldn’t be challenging. My friends, family and co-workers would be quite surprised and would probably think I was nuts, I’m sure.

– What if I not only turned into a woman, but my whole life happened as if I was a female, but I remember living life and growing up as a male? (Like the movies where the poor, down on his luck guy with the fix-r-upper house that he can’t fix and the apparently frumpy wife wakes up one morning to find out that one thing changed in his life years ago, and now he’s in a mansion, with a butler, 5 Porsches in the garage, working a top executive job, and married to a glamorous woman he’d had crush on since middle school and never had chance with, ever. Of course, by the end of the movie, he realizes that the rich and glamorous lifestyle is full of crap, and he willingly goes back to his poor life, only now seeing it in a new light, and he’s poor in money but rich in love because he realizes that his wife isn’t frumpy, she’s beautiful and she loves him and he loves her, and they live happily ever after with their leaky roof, The End.)*
*If this one doesn’t make any sense, well, then, ignore it I guess. Not sure what else to do about it, seeing as you’ve already read it.

There are a lot more “What If’s” I could put here (such as what would the day be like if I turn into a woman and my wife turns into a man?), and I’m sure there are millions more that I haven’t thought, but for now, I’m done. If I do actually turn into a woman for a day, I’ll be sure to blog about it, and we’ll get to see what actually did happen, rather than just me guessing and thinking of “What If’s”.

Happy tomorrow, and goodnight.

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4 thoughts on “trading places: holy shit, I’ve got boobs!

  1. you know, after reading a whole lot of posts by women bloggers who wouldn;’t change because they see men as inferior, I was expecting the same from your post only reversed. I have a lot of male rellos and they are more like you than like the stereotypical examples that I’ve been reading about: logical and with a sense of humour. Good post. It made me smile in parts . 🙂 🙂

    Like

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