I am not a fan of zombies. I don’t play the zombie video games, watch the zombie movies, or zombie TV shows. I’ve never used a photo changing Facebook app to see what I might look like if I was a zombie. My biggest exposure to zombies would be here, when the Modern Philosopher writes about the zombies of Maine. You should check it out. If you don’t like zombies (much like myself), there’s plenty of other things to read about. Aliens, gargoyles, Survivor in Maine – in the winter. All I can say is, Maine is an awesome place.

But back to zombies. Freaky buggers, aren’t they? Mindless, relentless, and their only desire is to eat you.

Even though I don’t like them, I think about them sometimes. Wonder about what makes them tick. Why are they the way they are. I even have an idea for a story (novel? movie?) about one way the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse might start. Maybe I’ll get around to writing it someday.

Once I asked on Facebook something like: “Can zombies starve to death if they don’t get enough brains to eat?”

I got a few answers ranging from “Yes” to “No” to “Maybe so.” Which, to be honest, aren’t very helpful. No discussion at all about whether or not zombies are dead or undead or alive or what have you.

However, one person did respond saying that it depends on the lore. I guess it does all come down to how zombies become zombies. In some stories, zombies are corpses animated by black magic, or possessed by demons, or some other supernatural stuff. In others, it is some sort of virus, possibly man-made, that turns your normal average law-abiding non-cannibal human being into a crazed, human-flesh craving beast. There are probably a few other ways various story tellers have gone about creating their version of the zombie.

Zombies from The Beyond
Sometimes, zombies are aliens! Or, created by them anyway.

As usual, if I think about something enough, my brain eventually churns out some sort of idea or theory behind those thoughts, in an effort to explain or expand upon what I already know. Sometimes these theories don’t make a lot of sense, and I apologize if what I write today doesn’t make much sense either. This is my second time writing this theory down, the first time being in the middle of the night when I should have been sleeping, so it basically doesn’t count.

Anyway, my theory on zombies (well, technically a hypothesis):

Zombies are not undead or dead. In fact, zombies aren’t mindless beasts either, they just act like it. Average, everyday people turn into zombies not through black magic, or a disease, or any other outside influence. People turn themselves into zombies through a fanatical belief that the world owes them want they want, that they shouldn’t have to work for success.

Zombies are a drain on society. They are the true “takers”. They give nothing, and expect everything. And while they do exist, they are probably not as common as the Republican party would have you believe. (Oh, crap. What’s scarier than zombies? Politics. Don’t worry, no political rants or judging here. Just an observation.)

Someone who feels they should be smart and educated without going to school and/or studying expects knowledge to come to them through some sort of osmosis. They will often hang around as many smart people as can stand them, and try to speak using large, obscure words. If they become obsessed enough with gaining knowledge without studying, they may even try to eat the brains of smart people, in an effort to gain their knowledge.

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...
Don’t you think I’m pretty?

Someone who wants to be loved, but isn’t willing to become someone whom anyone would want to love will eat other’s hearts in a pitiful attempt to feel their victims emotions. I don’t mean to say you should be a fake flake, trying desperately to say or do anything you think will make others like you. What I mean by this is don’t be a mean, nasty person, always harping on others shortcomings, and expect people to respect and like you.

Someone who wants to be fit and strong and athletic, but doesn’t work out, or play a sport, will eat other’s muscles, to try to gain their strength.

There are financial zombies as well. People who think they don’t need to work for a living, that everything should just be given to them, that they should get paid for doing nothing worthwhile, or nothing at all. Now, I’m not talking about people who can’t work (and don’t judge a book by the cover, just because someone looks healthy doesn’t mean they are “normal”), or those who have already put in their time, or those out of a job and trying to find another one.

However, what none of these zombies realize, is that the world doesn’t owe you a damn thing. If you want to be rich, famous, affluent, powerful, and stay that way, you have to work for it. Generally speaking, if you gain any of these things without work and planning, you will not keep it for long. And often you will be worse off than if success/money/fame had never dropped in your lap in the first place.

The only true way to gain knowledge is to experience and experiment. If you want to be respected you must first respect others. If you want to be loved, you must love, if you want others to trust you, then you must trust others.

So, no magic, no cursed graveyards, no doorways to hell, no virus or brain destroying bacteria. Just people, seeking the easy way to fame and fortune, instead of learning and making a plan and doing the little things you need to do in order to accomplish that plan. That’s how zombies are made. At least, that’s my theory. Or hypothesis. Whatever.

Any other thoughts out there about the origins of zombies? Any big gaping holes in my theories? (Well, I’m sure there are, but is there anybody out there who would like to point them out?) If my ideas are true, and people turn themselves into zombies, do you think a zombie can turn themselves back into a non-zombie human again?

midnight musings


4 thoughts on “a theory on zombies

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